Do you ever think of the other side of things? Jeff is good at this. I am not.
Today in church, Pastor talked about the new birth & how we have nothing to do with it, just like being born physically. This week on my mommy group online, we’ve been praying for a little girl named Leila. She was born on 2/19/08, and was unresponsive when the parents woke up on 2/22/08. She’s been in the hospital and things have been touch and go. She’s finally doing better, to the point of being moved down the hall from the PICUto the PEDS ward. Today at church, we heard about a little boy who is struggling to live because he needs a new kidney (I think). He is also very young – only months old.
I hear these things and I think, “Why are there people out there with babies who have so many problems and my perfect baby (we did find out there was nothing wrong with her) died?” It’s almost like a personal attack to me. Jeff sees these people and thinks, “those poor people are probably wondering why their child was born with all these problems.”
We talked today, because I got sad again in church. I still have a hard time talking about babies, seeing babies, even looking at pregnant women. I miss my baby dearly. I keep wishing she could come back. I feel empty a lot. So Jeff and I talked. Who am I to judge these people? they are probably just as miserable as me. And who knows what is going to happen to these babies? God knows. God has a plan. He knew our baby wasn’t going to live. He had something better in mind (although I cannot fathom anything better than welcoming a precious baby girl into our lives). I guess my job is to trust Him. To rest in the knowledge that He knows what’s best & His ways are not my ways, His ways are higher than my ways – that’s what Isaiah 55:8-9 says. Romans 11:33 says, “Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and His ways past finding out!”
Sometimes it is hard, though, because I am so sad. God is good, though, and He always lifts me up. He is my strength & my song.
