Today was a pretty good day. It started out a little rough – Jonathan woke me up at 3:30 AM and told me “someone” had thrown up all over the bed. Nicholas apparently had gotten sick in the middle of the night and had not even woken up! He’d vomited all over the top bunk, and down onto the floor. So I had a time cleaning up their room. I put Daniel and Nicholas out in the living room, but Jonathan wanted to sleep on the bottom bunk. He was not doing too well, having seen the vomit, he was sick also. After I got all the stuff cleaned up, I went back to bed.
I didn’t wake up very well because I was very tired. (I haven’t been sleeping well) We did make it to church on time, we just missed Sunday School. Jonathan was worried that we wouldn’t go because he & Nicholas had been sick. They were okay this morning, so we went.
On the way to church I realized I was nervous about going. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to hold it together. It is easy to be calm and fairly even-keeled at home, where there are a lot of different things to keep me busy. I don’t like “down time”, as the thoughts and questions and sadness tend to overwhelm me. I know it is okay to grieve, and that it is indeed necessary. I just don’t like it. I haven’t really come to terms with God in all of this. I know that He is faithful, and He has surrounded us with His love & His children to minister to us. However, it hurts a lot to try and sing about His goodness or His greatness. I know that He could have saved the baby and He didn’t. Don’t know why He chose not to, but He didn’t. I thought He was going to save the baby to show all the doctors how great He is – that He is more powerful than man and all that man thinks he knows. So I guess I am still struggling with the fact that the baby is gone and God did not save him.
During worship, Nicholas raised his hand. He has seen me raise my hands in praise, and has asked why I do that. Today, I was unable to raise my hands – much less sing. Nicholas kept his arm around me and one hand raised in praise to God. Jonathan noticed me crying at one point during worship, and he put his arm around me too and told me, “it would be okay”.
Later, I was talking with a friend and she asked if she could pray for me. While she prayed, I cried. Jonathan came by and saw me crying and stopped and hugged me. One of his friends wanted him to come away and Jonathan said, “Can’t you see my mom is crying?!” He stayed with me until we were done praying. Then he told me it was okay and went on his way.
The boys are great. They tell me every day they are glad to have me home. They have become more tender toward me. I don’t know what all God is doing through this experience, but as for the boys, they are definitely growing into kind & gentle young men.
A friend told me today that God said we were raising up “righteous young men”. I hope and pray this is true. I pray nothing I do or don’t do will cause them to stray from God – that their hearts would always be turned toward Him.
