Jeff is gone to Hanford, and the boys and I are alone. Sometimes it is easier to forget things with Jeff around. However, I have recently felt a need to examine where I am since we lost the baby.
My feelings have been much different this time around. Last time, I was hurt to the core, but I was restful – I could feel God with me. Every day, it seemed, He reassured me of His love – His presence seemed almost tangible.
This time, though, I felt betrayed. Maybe I was holding on to the wrong things last time, and just convinced myself they were God. I was so sure that He was going to let the baby live. I had thought about the alternative – about how I had told Him that I could not go through losing another baby – but it always seemed like He was inspiring me to trust in Him, to trust that the baby would live. I read verses (that I can’t find now) that said He would be our Victor.
So now I feel bereft. Lost. I want to worship Him, but I can’t bring myself to. I’m angry that He didn’t see fit to allow the baby to live. Now there is no hope – I’m “fixed” as it were. Okay, that is not the right terminology – it’s because I am broken that we lost the babies … and now I’ve made it so we can’t have anymore. We heard in church on Sunday that we were to worship all the time – Pastor asked if we were afraid to worship. At first I thought that wasn’t it at all, but I think now it might be. I am afraid to be vulnerable with God again. All because He didn’t meet my expectations.
Honestly, I don’t know how women do it. There are women in our church who’ve lost babies and they continue on. Family & friends who’ve lost babies have written to console me. I hear about women on TV and friends of friends who’ve all gone through this. They are really neat, and loving and their families are fine. So I guess I have to be like that. Even though I want to hide myself away and pout until I get my baby back.
Which means I need to turn to God, because I cannot do this on my own. I’m trying – I’ve been trying, but I feel dry & empty.
Anyways, so today I was listening to music on the computer and I heard a Steven Curtis Chapman song (11-6-64). I went looking for the lyrics of it, because 11-6 is Nicholas’ birthday and ran across his website. That made me remember he’d just lost his little girl. She was 6, I think. The pain they feel must be huge. Mr. Chapman said in a video blog that he is “on his way back”. They have found comfort in God. How is this? Last time, I felt comforted and loved, but now I think it was because I was thinking, “It’s okay, we’ll get pregnant later and everything will be okay.”. Well I got pregnant later and now we have another loss to mourn!
So in my meanderings on the web I ran across this blog for one of the Chapmans’ friends – Kerry Hasenbalg. She also lost a baby recently. She talked about how God revealed Himself to her as she stepped out into the “normal” world again. It was a good read.
Maybe I can trust Him again, I don’t know. I guess the healing/growing/returning to “normal” just takes more time sometimes.
Currently listening to- SHEdaisy’s “Now” and Alvin & the Chipmunks “Bad Day“.
